In the early part of May in 2019 I embarked on a medicine walk in the hopes of finding some insights into my way out of a career (business) that I felt financially tied to. I had been inspired by a close friend whom went on yearly vision quests and swore by the clarity and focus she felt from partaking in them. Sign me up, I thought, I needed both of these things and I figured it couldn’t hurt. Being a hairdresser and running my little hair studio on the back of my property for nearly 10 years had served myself and the son that I was raising on my own very well. We were never in “want” of anything; business was good and I had a solid and loyal clientele. It was these aspects that made it difficult to justify changing course, except my soul didn’t feel nourished and I was well on the road to physical, emotional and spiritual depletion. Making good money in a job can be imprisoning.. the more we make the more we spend and the greater our financial responsibility becomes. I was locked in and couldn’t find the key.
There is a state of mind that one must allow themselves to enter in order to be receptive and open to messages from spirit because without it, these insights can be easily over-looked or under valued. I heard someone once describe it as being like “a hollow bone”… so dismissing what I thought I knew, off I went, with no expectation except a very long walk in front of me and a grateful heart. Gratitude is always a great way to elevate our energy in order to be receptive of energy around us.
In the valley where I live there was once a portion of train track called the Kettle Valley Railway that joined the Canadian Pacific Railway and was a means to get Okanagan fruit and minerals to the coast. The steam engine no longer travels these parts and the old track it once chugged along has been taken up and the ground that remains has been used as biking and hiking trails for more years than I can remember. It was at one of the train tunnels that had been cut through the side of the mountain that I had decided to start my quest, a point at which I could see my final destination the entire 6 hours of my journey.
One of the first things that I saw was a hummingbird perched on a wire. Hummingbird reminds us to live in the moment and enjoy life’s simple pleasures; to seek out what is good, to face life with tenacity and endurance and to stay adaptable and accept the reality of change with a happy heart. Hummingbird is the symbol of eternity and continuity.
While resting on a rock at midday and eating a granola bar and having a drink, I received a random text from a client asking me if I liked to hike and go on picnics? If so, there was something she wanted to leave at my house for me. She seriously had zero idea what I was doing which made the moment so incredibly serendipitous and synchronized, that I just had to take note and add it to my jewels and tidbits from the day. Whatever the way forward for me held, I felt that I was being told to wait for the signs.
When I finally made it back to my house, tired and sore, there was a picnic backpack sitting on my patio; the thoughtful gift from my client. I thought about this and a few other things that had occurred during my medicine walk while a friend drove me back to my car at the train tunnel, half ways up the mountain. I continued to think about these things as I drove back down on my own. I was so lost in thought I nearly missed a hawk standing on the left hand side of the road, but certainly would have noticed when she took flight and soared just a few feet in front of my car. I swear she remained that way for nearly a moment, gliding in front of me as though I was receiving the VIP escort to tie up my journey, it’s wingspan wider than my leased Toyota C-HR I was so mesmerized that I very nearly drove off the road when it finally swerved to the right. My friend had dropped back a bit as he didn’t want to scare it away but he was able to confirm that it had been in front of me that long. A few moments later, again, there was a hawk on the left side of the road…. this one, sadly, was not moving, and as I slowed down to see if it was okay, I saw that my friend stopped and got out. I also pulled over and as I had half an eye on my side mirror watching him, I glanced down at the odometer and noticed that it was at exactly 4444. Unfortunately, this hawk was dead and I watched my friend pull it into the bank so as not to get run over.
Hawk reminds us to pay attention to messages from spirit as it soars nearly as high as eagle, but unlike the eagle who is a direct link to the other worlds, Hawk wants us to apply what we learn and understand into the physical realm, which was confirmed by the repeating 4’s.. structure, balance, grounding and hard work. Hawk tells us to stay on course and keep our eye on the prize.. for me.. that was a change of careers, I just didn’t know what that change would be. The dead hawk symbolized a fresh start from an ending, which sounded promising, but that is also tied in with hummingbird and reminder that nothing in life remains the same and to accept those changes with Grace.
A few weeks after this incredible experience, I was nearly home from my morning walk when I ran into a lady that owns two side by side houses a street over from me. I’d noticed a lot of activity and work being done to the smaller of the two that she rented out. I took this opportunity to ask her what she planned on doing with the house and she answered that she was fixing it up to be a vacation rental. Within the minute it took me to complete the distance between our houses, I experienced envy for her opportunity to make that kind of passive income until I realized that there was nothing stopping me from doing something similar with the small building I was operating as a hair studio. By the time I’d made it back to my back gate I already knew that I was going to turn my hair studio into a vacation rental and take my hair business to a chair rental in town. I already knew that it made sense and that I would be able to save money enough to ease my way forward when I felt it would be time to make the career change, whatever that was going to be. By the end of the week, I had found a place to run my business out of that was a mere fraction of the price that I thought I would be paying and I was well underway to planning how to renovate my accessory building. By the following November I had already been working at my new location for 4 months and the vacation rental was complete and ready to go. Even though I had only a handful of guests, I still anticipated that it would be fully booked for the high season of 2020. Unfortunately, my dad had passed away at the end of December and I was thrown into a new journey of grief that I don’t think anyone is ever really prepared for. I thought about the second hawk and wondered if that was the significance to the symbolism.
March brought warmer weather and growing concerns about a global pandemic. By the 19th of that month I had ceased business operations, returned my leased car and started looking for a full time resident for my little rental. I started covering my lawn with cardboard and soil and by the end of April my entire yard was vegetables and herbs. I built a chicken coop with my son and we started to keep laying hens. During this time, life improved, and my son who had been battling depression for over a year was opening up to me now that we were home so much together. Instead of being exhausted and spent and living to work I felt like life was offering me a taste of what balance felt like again. For us, the pandemic was a gift, because I felt like I could breath again and everything that I was doing felt purposeful. Mid May, a colleague messaged me to say that our government was letting us reopen and my stomach dropped… I hated the thought of going back but I also hated letting my co-workers down. After a few days of introspection, I told them that I would be back for one month only and then I would be looking for something else to do. At the time I thought I could cut hair in my house to save money. The support I received from them was unexpected and touching and it was their idea for me to stay on there one day a week and pay by the day which was a fraction of what I was paying by the month and is what I’m still currently doing. Between that and my little rental, it bought me time. It was that generous offer that had made it possible for me to start taking herbal medicine courses through the Herbal Academy and know without a doubt what I wanted to do.
Unfortunately, today (August 1, 2021) marks one year that my brother died suddenly from a heart attack. The shock of it like a sucker punch that brought forward a grief that even now, I struggle to give words to.. I think of the hawk again, however, now I realize that it has nothing to do with physical death, which is as natural as the breath we take until we don’t, but everything to do with a part of me that needed to die in order to really start living. Life began for me last year and for everything that I chose to do that brought me joy, I had to let something of my old self go.. the need to please, the need to stay safe at the expense of living, the need to always say the right thing, the need to seek others approval…. all of it has died and I celebrate the end to all of it. I don’t know where life will lead and I don’t know what life will look like in a years time, but I know if I listen to my intuition and follow the things that bring me happiness and joy, I will be protected.
When my renter moved out in April, 2021, I realized that I didn’t particularly enjoy having someone living so close, but I also knew that it was the way to a different kind of business and a great way to get my feet wet without the high costs of commercial rent… The Herbal Alchemist Apothecary was born and everything I’ve done since that moment has got me to this place… My new beginning, which is exactly what I asked for over two years ago when I started walking down that mountain and met with The Spirit of Hawk.
I hope one day finds you at the Apothecary door and if you chance to enter and find I’m not there, you’ll know that I’m only steps away, puttering in my garden of herbs with a happy and grateful heart.
Blessings,
Brenda
